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Just a quick little note to the rare people who actually read my blog. Due to spam postings, I've limited my comments to members of the blog only. I figure if you like what you have read enough to seriously want to share comments with me about it, then you'll take the time to join. Whereas if you are posting (numerous times) just to get me and whomever else to come visit your personal buisness site... well, you get the picture.

Hope everyone is having a good day. If anything interesting happens in my life in the near future, I'll come post. Suffice to say right now I'm just stressed out trying to pay all my bills. Two of my creditors have changed the way they figure my payments... so now my monthly output for bills is around $150.oo more than it was just three months ago. Has my pay gone up to accomodate the change?? No. So I'm ready to pull my hair out.

So anyway... I'll be back!

Here I am again, back by popular request!

lol. Not really.

But there has been some question about what has happened in my life since my last posts. So here is the quick breakdown.

Although it was a very difficult thing for me to do, I ended things with GF back in December. I realized that there were problems in our relationship, and not all of them had to do with I1. But I1 was the biggest reason.

And speaking of I1, I closed my December 28th post with the following statement: "Wish me luck in my new adventures, because next I have to deal with I1 and my feelings for her... and I don't think that will be nearly as easy as breaking up with GF." The statement fulfilled itself in many ways. It hasn't been easy. I1 and I never got back together, although I felt some small hope there for a little while. It never happened though. Basically she had trouble dealing with my honesty about things and had trouble dealing with the different sides of my personality. She liked the confident person that she saw at work but had problems adjusting to the man who was less confident in himself when it comes to dating. She liked me being direct in approaching her but didn't like me being sexually forward with her.

She has had to deal with my jealousy about her dating life when other people made sure to point it out to me, and has had to deal with loosing her temporary job with my agency.

But despite it all, I1 and I are still friends. That's the shit of it all. We really enjoy each other's company. And now, almost a year later, I'm finally getting to the point where I'm letting go of the relationship I hoped to have from her. I still have very strong feelings for her, and probably will for as long as I know her. But I'm at the point in my life where I'm starting to move on.

It's not easy for me... there are still times when I'm around her that the desire to take her in my arms and kiss her is so strong I just about can't stand it.

But I deal with it. I friendly flirt with her without letting my feelings for her overwhelm me. Or I try to. Sometimes I feel bitter. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm just sad.

But I deal with it.

It's been nine months since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. I've been on dates since then, but I haven't dated anyone since then. I haven't had sex since then. I haven't had a girl fall asleep with her head pillowed on my shoulder since then.

But I deal with it.

Letter to I1

Dear I1,

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out exactly what I want to say, but this is very hard for me to do. I'm hurting and confused...my thoughts are jumbled, so please bear with me if I ramble.

I've tried letting go of you, or I feel like I have anyway. Unfortunately, just like several months ago when I told you I thought you were worth waiting for, I find myself fighting this feeling that you are worth holding on to. I feel connected to you more strongly than I've ever felt connected to anyone. I'm attracted to you physically, though I admit I was probably too forward about that once upon a time. But I'm also attracted to you intellectually, and although I thought you knew that, I probably didn't make that as apparent as I should have. For that I am sorry. I've never had the chance to date much, so I am sometimes awkward about those kind of things. Not much of an excuse, I know. But I'm hoping to explain some things about myself to help you understand me a little better.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm sometimes a bit socially awkward. But most people see my as a pretty nice guy. So people have a habit of trying to fix me up, usually with girls they know who have been through bad relationships, etc. Maybe because of this or maybe just because it's my nature, I have a bit of a White-Knight syndrome. If I go out with someone, it's usually because someone else has worked to get us together because they think I will treat this girl well, and I end up trying very hard to be the White Knight and do just that. I guess it hasn't worked all that well because I can count on one hand the number of girls I've dated, and the relationships that were formed in those instances usually end with me being taken advantage of and then abandoned.

But you were different. I think I told you once before that you were the first girl I've ever openly approached on my own and asked out. But I don't think that I ever told you that, when it comes to you, I never felt compelled to ask you out because I felt bad for the way someone else had treated you. I never once felt like you needed a man in your life or that you needed someone who was going to treat you nice or treat you special. I didn't feel like a white knight coming to your rescue. I wanted to be with you for the sheer enjoyment of it. You make me laugh and smile. You make me step out of my typical serious self and want to be playful. You are smart and beautiful and sexy and I felt challenged to step up and try to be better just to be worthy of your company. I want to be your friend and companion and lover...

And I can't be.

This has been a hard, bitter pill to swallow. As a matter of fact I pretty much just choke on it when I try.

So I want to ask for your help, but in doing so I'm going to break a promise I made to you.

You once said that you felt like I deserve a better explanation than I ever got from you about what happened between us. You have hesitated to say anything to me about it, even when I asked. I told you that I wouldn't ask you to tell me if you didn't want to.

But I'm asking now. I don't feel like there has been a resolution between us. My mind swirls with thoughts of "What did he do right that I did so wrong?", "Did I ever really have a chance with her?" , and "Was she ever really attracted to me or was it all just that she like hanging out with me or the group as a whole?".

You never really came right out and told me if you were attracted to me. The closest you ever came was right before Christmas when you made the comment about being hot because you were working with me and I was so hot. Even now I don't know if you meant that of if you were just mocking me because I made that kind of comment to you before.

So please tell me... anything and everything. If you don't want to tell me face-to-face that is fine, just write me an e-mail back. Even if you are afraid that I'm going to be hurt, please tell me. It hurts me enough not knowing... and if you tell me, maybe I can finally let go instead of finding just one more reason to love you every time I'm around you.

Yes, it's me again.

Yes, it's me again. I have found time to return to my poor neglected blog. Why now do you ask? It's very simple. I finally decided it would be best if I ended things with the girlfriend (GF). I kinda hoped as things progressed that I would think about I1 (See "Makes My Head Hurt" below) less often. It didn't happen. If anything, I thought of I1 more and more.

I guess I never really felt like I connected with GF as well as with I1, and the longer I was with GF, the more that got to me. I didn't feel like GF and I had conversations with any real depth... I mean, how deep can you get about hair cuts and her cats.

So I'm single again. Being single, I have a lot more free time on my hands. So I hope that my blog will grow beyond what it has been. Wish me luck in my new adventures, because next I have to deal with I1 and my feelings for her... and I don't think that will be nearly as easy as breaking up with GF.

Has it really been this long??

It's hard to believe that it has been almost two weeks since my last post, but I've been a busy boy. Thought I'd give you all (however many or few that is!!) a quick update on what's going on in my life.

1) As to my last post, GF and I are still together, but I1 is still floating around in the background. I1 told me recently that she feels like she owes me a better explanation than what she has given me, but we haven't had a chance for a private moment together so we can talk.

2) GF and I have managed to break our sexual dry spells. Haven't gone completely wild yet since GF has never been with a guy as large as I am so she ends up a little sore and I end up feeling guilty for hurting her. But it goes a little better every time.

3) My friend Big M and I are planning a trip to Wyoming for a varmint hunt, so we have been trying to find what handloads will work best in our rifles. We shot yesterday, it was a little on the cool side, and I didn't shoot for shit. I had one really good four shot group that was less than 1/4 inch at 100 yards, but the fifth shot opened it up to about 1/2 inch. The next five shot group with the same load went everywhere. We hope to shoot again this weekend with the two loads that shot the best for us to decide which we're going to use.

4) Did I mention that my sexual dry spell has ended?

5) I've been in court at least one day a week for each of the past three weeks. One of those days I drove an hour and a half to get to court, sat and waited about an hour, then while the ME was testifying the judge fainted. Tried to stand up to leave the courtroom for a quick break and fainted. We waited around for two more hours just to be told they were going to continue the trial until the next week.

6) I'm getting laid!!! Did I mention that already?? ;-)

Makes my head hurt.

(This post began Wednesday October 27th)

I just have to say this... women give me a headache. An all out put-a-gun-to-my-head-and-pull-the-trigger-to-please-make-it-all-go-away headache.

Today was just a normal day at work... only it wasn't. Today, one of our summer interns came in to work temp for a little extra cash. Although their internship is officially over, some of them still come into the office and work, and the two girls from our section usually come in on Fridays. Well, this intern (Call her Intern 1, or I1 for short) was off today at school, so she decided to come work.

The problem... I haven't seen much of this intern for the past month. That in itself is not the problem, it's actually been a bit of a blessing. You see, I1 and I dated briefly. And by briefly I mean we partnered up when our groups of friends went out for about three months and had four or five actual dates over the course of two months. We shared our first kiss standing in a rainstorm while listening to The America Wind Symphony Orchestra play. We wouldn't "date" at first because we worked together and she was an intern, but we always partnered up and flirted around anyway. Then we actually went out in a few actual dates.

But then I had to go out of town, and while I was gone, she decided we shouldn't date anymore. No big deal, or so I thought.

But I kept right on flirting with her, and she flirted right back until one day she admitted that she kinda missed me, so we went out on another couple of dates.

But then I had to go out of town, and while I was gone, she decided we shouldn't date anymore. Am I repeating myself here?? Seems to be a pattern.

Anyway, we stopped dating. That's been over two months ago, and as I said earlier, I've only seen her probably three times in that two months.

But she came to work Friday last week... the first time I've seen her since I started seeing the girl I'm seeing now. She asked me about the new girlfriend. I told her. However, I didn't tell her that even though I'm seeing the new GF, I still think about her.

But I told her today.

(Continued Sunday October 31)

See, I1 invited me to her Halloween party... told me to bring the GF. I told her that would not be a good idea since I would be there with GF and be thinking about being with her.

That's when she admitted that she still thinks about me a lot too. WTF?????

She breaks up with me, not once but twice, because "she doesn't think she can give me what I'm looking for" even though I can't get her to explain what she thinks that may be. "She doesn't have time for a relationship" because of school and work and her internships.

But now she's ditching the guy she has been seeing because he is too young and is annoying her... and she still thinks about me and wishes I was coming to her party so there will be another adult there (I1 is 29 and thinks of her classmates as kids since most of them are 20-24 years old).

Now, I really like GF. She is good for me in ways that I1 never was. GF is much more open talking about her past relationships and what she wants out of ours while I1 always skirted around the issue. GF and I1 are both very affectionate, which I like, but GF is quick to tell me how attractive/handsome she thinks I am while I1 gave vague complements and never came out and told me how attractive I was to her.

But truth be told, I like I1 better. I1 and I are closer in maturity levels while GF is quite a bit younger than me. I1 and I can talk about a lot of different things concerning movies, music, books, while GF talks mostly about work, her family and her cats.

But GF is there for me, hasn't run away from me when I start getting close, which is what I'm beginning to think is what I1 has done. At first I thought that I1 just didn't like me enough, but she keeps coming back and she keeps thinking about me so that leaves me wondering.

And all this wondering is what is giving me the headache.

Where am I??

Well, folks. This was an unusual morning for me. The alarm clock went off this morning and my first thought was, "That's not my alarm clock" followed closely by "This isn't my bed."

"Where am I??"

But then the morning fog burned itself out of my mind and I remembered being invited to stay with my girfriend last night. Last night was the first night she offered, even though I've been hinting for a week. So we've taken a new step in our relationship... the sleepover.

Now, in one of my earlier blogs I talked about the evils of snooze alarms. I've discovered that snooze alarms are that much more evil when a pretty girl is snuggled up against you in the morning. Especially when today is her off day and she can go back to sleep, which she promptly did as soon as I got up to take a shower! The only thing that would have made it worse is if I had woken up this morning with a NAKED pretty girl snuggled up against me. I think I would have had to call in sick or dead... or at least come in late. My boss would have understood. Hell, he probably would have told me to take another hour or two!! I have such a good boss.

Well, this is a short post, but I'll be back soon. Keep in touch and keep a lookout for new posts.