Letter to I1

Dear I1,

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out exactly what I want to say, but this is very hard for me to do. I'm hurting and confused...my thoughts are jumbled, so please bear with me if I ramble.

I've tried letting go of you, or I feel like I have anyway. Unfortunately, just like several months ago when I told you I thought you were worth waiting for, I find myself fighting this feeling that you are worth holding on to. I feel connected to you more strongly than I've ever felt connected to anyone. I'm attracted to you physically, though I admit I was probably too forward about that once upon a time. But I'm also attracted to you intellectually, and although I thought you knew that, I probably didn't make that as apparent as I should have. For that I am sorry. I've never had the chance to date much, so I am sometimes awkward about those kind of things. Not much of an excuse, I know. But I'm hoping to explain some things about myself to help you understand me a little better.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm sometimes a bit socially awkward. But most people see my as a pretty nice guy. So people have a habit of trying to fix me up, usually with girls they know who have been through bad relationships, etc. Maybe because of this or maybe just because it's my nature, I have a bit of a White-Knight syndrome. If I go out with someone, it's usually because someone else has worked to get us together because they think I will treat this girl well, and I end up trying very hard to be the White Knight and do just that. I guess it hasn't worked all that well because I can count on one hand the number of girls I've dated, and the relationships that were formed in those instances usually end with me being taken advantage of and then abandoned.

But you were different. I think I told you once before that you were the first girl I've ever openly approached on my own and asked out. But I don't think that I ever told you that, when it comes to you, I never felt compelled to ask you out because I felt bad for the way someone else had treated you. I never once felt like you needed a man in your life or that you needed someone who was going to treat you nice or treat you special. I didn't feel like a white knight coming to your rescue. I wanted to be with you for the sheer enjoyment of it. You make me laugh and smile. You make me step out of my typical serious self and want to be playful. You are smart and beautiful and sexy and I felt challenged to step up and try to be better just to be worthy of your company. I want to be your friend and companion and lover...

And I can't be.

This has been a hard, bitter pill to swallow. As a matter of fact I pretty much just choke on it when I try.

So I want to ask for your help, but in doing so I'm going to break a promise I made to you.

You once said that you felt like I deserve a better explanation than I ever got from you about what happened between us. You have hesitated to say anything to me about it, even when I asked. I told you that I wouldn't ask you to tell me if you didn't want to.

But I'm asking now. I don't feel like there has been a resolution between us. My mind swirls with thoughts of "What did he do right that I did so wrong?", "Did I ever really have a chance with her?" , and "Was she ever really attracted to me or was it all just that she like hanging out with me or the group as a whole?".

You never really came right out and told me if you were attracted to me. The closest you ever came was right before Christmas when you made the comment about being hot because you were working with me and I was so hot. Even now I don't know if you meant that of if you were just mocking me because I made that kind of comment to you before.

So please tell me... anything and everything. If you don't want to tell me face-to-face that is fine, just write me an e-mail back. Even if you are afraid that I'm going to be hurt, please tell me. It hurts me enough not knowing... and if you tell me, maybe I can finally let go instead of finding just one more reason to love you every time I'm around you.