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2005-11-02T04:13:00.000-08:00

Just a quick little note to the rare people who actually read my blog. Due to spam postings, I've limited my comments to members of the blog only. I figure if you like what you have read enough to seriously want to share comments with me about it, then you'll take the time to join. Whereas if you are posting (numerous times) just to get me and whomever else to come visit your personal buisness site... well, you get the picture.

Hope everyone is having a good day. If anything interesting happens in my life in the near future, I'll come post. Suffice to say right now I'm just stressed out trying to pay all my bills. Two of my creditors have changed the way they figure my payments... so now my monthly output for bills is around $150.oo more than it was just three months ago. Has my pay gone up to accomodate the change?? No. So I'm ready to pull my hair out.

So anyway... I'll be back!

Here I am again, back by popular request!

2005-09-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

lol. Not really.

But there has been some question about what has happened in my life since my last posts. So here is the quick breakdown.

Although it was a very difficult thing for me to do, I ended things with GF back in December. I realized that there were problems in our relationship, and not all of them had to do with I1. But I1 was the biggest reason.

And speaking of I1, I closed my December 28th post with the following statement: "Wish me luck in my new adventures, because next I have to deal with I1 and my feelings for her... and I don't think that will be nearly as easy as breaking up with GF." The statement fulfilled itself in many ways. It hasn't been easy. I1 and I never got back together, although I felt some small hope there for a little while. It never happened though. Basically she had trouble dealing with my honesty about things and had trouble dealing with the different sides of my personality. She liked the confident person that she saw at work but had problems adjusting to the man who was less confident in himself when it comes to dating. She liked me being direct in approaching her but didn't like me being sexually forward with her.

She has had to deal with my jealousy about her dating life when other people made sure to point it out to me, and has had to deal with loosing her temporary job with my agency.

But despite it all, I1 and I are still friends. That's the shit of it all. We really enjoy each other's company. And now, almost a year later, I'm finally getting to the point where I'm letting go of the relationship I hoped to have from her. I still have very strong feelings for her, and probably will for as long as I know her. But I'm at the point in my life where I'm starting to move on.

It's not easy for me... there are still times when I'm around her that the desire to take her in my arms and kiss her is so strong I just about can't stand it.

But I deal with it. I friendly flirt with her without letting my feelings for her overwhelm me. Or I try to. Sometimes I feel bitter. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm just sad.

But I deal with it.

It's been nine months since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. I've been on dates since then, but I haven't dated anyone since then. I haven't had sex since then. I haven't had a girl fall asleep with her head pillowed on my shoulder since then.

But I deal with it.

Letter to I1

2005-01-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

Dear I1,

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out exactly what I want to say, but this is very hard for me to do. I'm hurting and confused...my thoughts are jumbled, so please bear with me if I ramble.

I've tried letting go of you, or I feel like I have anyway. Unfortunately, just like several months ago when I told you I thought you were worth waiting for, I find myself fighting this feeling that you are worth holding on to. I feel connected to you more strongly than I've ever felt connected to anyone. I'm attracted to you physically, though I admit I was probably too forward about that once upon a time. But I'm also attracted to you intellectually, and although I thought you knew that, I probably didn't make that as apparent as I should have. For that I am sorry. I've never had the chance to date much, so I am sometimes awkward about those kind of things. Not much of an excuse, I know. But I'm hoping to explain some things about myself to help you understand me a little better.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm sometimes a bit socially awkward. But most people see my as a pretty nice guy. So people have a habit of trying to fix me up, usually with girls they know who have been through bad relationships, etc. Maybe because of this or maybe just because it's my nature, I have a bit of a White-Knight syndrome. If I go out with someone, it's usually because someone else has worked to get us together because they think I will treat this girl well, and I end up trying very hard to be the White Knight and do just that. I guess it hasn't worked all that well because I can count on one hand the number of girls I've dated, and the relationships that were formed in those instances usually end with me being taken advantage of and then abandoned.

But you were different. I think I told you once before that you were the first girl I've ever openly approached on my own and asked out. But I don't think that I ever told you that, when it comes to you, I never felt compelled to ask you out because I felt bad for the way someone else had treated you. I never once felt like you needed a man in your life or that you needed someone who was going to treat you nice or treat you special. I didn't feel like a white knight coming to your rescue. I wanted to be with you for the sheer enjoyment of it. You make me laugh and smile. You make me step out of my typical serious self and want to be playful. You are smart and beautiful and sexy and I felt challenged to step up and try to be better just to be worthy of your company. I want to be your friend and companion and lover...

And I can't be.

This has been a hard, bitter pill to swallow. As a matter of fact I pretty much just choke on it when I try.

So I want to ask for your help, but in doing so I'm going to break a promise I made to you.

You once said that you felt like I deserve a better explanation than I ever got from you about what happened between us. You have hesitated to say anything to me about it, even when I asked. I told you that I wouldn't ask you to tell me if you didn't want to.

But I'm asking now. I don't feel like there has been a resolution between us. My mind swirls with thoughts of "What did he do right that I did so wrong?", "Did I ever really have a chance with her?" , and "Was she ever really attracted to me or was it all just that she like hanging out with me or the group as a whole?".

You never really came right out and told me if you were attracted to me. The closest you ever came was right before Christmas when you made the comment about being hot because you were working with me and I was so hot. Even now I don't know if you meant that of if you were just mocking me because I made that kind of comment to you before.

So please tell me... anything and everything. If you don't want to tell me face-to-face that is fine, just write me an e-mail back. Even if you are afraid that I'm going to be hurt, please tell me. It hurts me enough not knowing... and if you tell me, maybe I can finally let go instead of finding just one more reason to love you every time I'm around you.

Yes, it's me again.

2004-12-28T04:19:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's me again. I have found time to return to my poor neglected blog. Why now do you ask? It's very simple. I finally decided it would be best if I ended things with the girlfriend (GF). I kinda hoped as things progressed that I would think about I1 (See "Makes My Head Hurt" below) less often. It didn't happen. If anything, I thought of I1 more and more.

I guess I never really felt like I connected with GF as well as with I1, and the longer I was with GF, the more that got to me. I didn't feel like GF and I had conversations with any real depth... I mean, how deep can you get about hair cuts and her cats.

So I'm single again. Being single, I have a lot more free time on my hands. So I hope that my blog will grow beyond what it has been. Wish me luck in my new adventures, because next I have to deal with I1 and my feelings for her... and I don't think that will be nearly as easy as breaking up with GF.

Has it really been this long??

2004-11-12T04:14:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that it has been almost two weeks since my last post, but I've been a busy boy. Thought I'd give you all (however many or few that is!!) a quick update on what's going on in my life.

1) As to my last post, GF and I are still together, but I1 is still floating around in the background. I1 told me recently that she feels like she owes me a better explanation than what she has given me, but we haven't had a chance for a private moment together so we can talk.

2) GF and I have managed to break our sexual dry spells. Haven't gone completely wild yet since GF has never been with a guy as large as I am so she ends up a little sore and I end up feeling guilty for hurting her. But it goes a little better every time.

3) My friend Big M and I are planning a trip to Wyoming for a varmint hunt, so we have been trying to find what handloads will work best in our rifles. We shot yesterday, it was a little on the cool side, and I didn't shoot for shit. I had one really good four shot group that was less than 1/4 inch at 100 yards, but the fifth shot opened it up to about 1/2 inch. The next five shot group with the same load went everywhere. We hope to shoot again this weekend with the two loads that shot the best for us to decide which we're going to use.

4) Did I mention that my sexual dry spell has ended?

5) I've been in court at least one day a week for each of the past three weeks. One of those days I drove an hour and a half to get to court, sat and waited about an hour, then while the ME was testifying the judge fainted. Tried to stand up to leave the courtroom for a quick break and fainted. We waited around for two more hours just to be told they were going to continue the trial until the next week.

6) I'm getting laid!!! Did I mention that already?? ;-)

Makes my head hurt.

2004-10-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

(This post began Wednesday October 27th)

I just have to say this... women give me a headache. An all out put-a-gun-to-my-head-and-pull-the-trigger-to-please-make-it-all-go-away headache.

Today was just a normal day at work... only it wasn't. Today, one of our summer interns came in to work temp for a little extra cash. Although their internship is officially over, some of them still come into the office and work, and the two girls from our section usually come in on Fridays. Well, this intern (Call her Intern 1, or I1 for short) was off today at school, so she decided to come work.

The problem... I haven't seen much of this intern for the past month. That in itself is not the problem, it's actually been a bit of a blessing. You see, I1 and I dated briefly. And by briefly I mean we partnered up when our groups of friends went out for about three months and had four or five actual dates over the course of two months. We shared our first kiss standing in a rainstorm while listening to The America Wind Symphony Orchestra play. We wouldn't "date" at first because we worked together and she was an intern, but we always partnered up and flirted around anyway. Then we actually went out in a few actual dates.

But then I had to go out of town, and while I was gone, she decided we shouldn't date anymore. No big deal, or so I thought.

But I kept right on flirting with her, and she flirted right back until one day she admitted that she kinda missed me, so we went out on another couple of dates.

But then I had to go out of town, and while I was gone, she decided we shouldn't date anymore. Am I repeating myself here?? Seems to be a pattern.

Anyway, we stopped dating. That's been over two months ago, and as I said earlier, I've only seen her probably three times in that two months.

But she came to work Friday last week... the first time I've seen her since I started seeing the girl I'm seeing now. She asked me about the new girlfriend. I told her. However, I didn't tell her that even though I'm seeing the new GF, I still think about her.

But I told her today.

(Continued Sunday October 31)

See, I1 invited me to her Halloween party... told me to bring the GF. I told her that would not be a good idea since I would be there with GF and be thinking about being with her.

That's when she admitted that she still thinks about me a lot too. WTF?????

She breaks up with me, not once but twice, because "she doesn't think she can give me what I'm looking for" even though I can't get her to explain what she thinks that may be. "She doesn't have time for a relationship" because of school and work and her internships.

But now she's ditching the guy she has been seeing because he is too young and is annoying her... and she still thinks about me and wishes I was coming to her party so there will be another adult there (I1 is 29 and thinks of her classmates as kids since most of them are 20-24 years old).

Now, I really like GF. She is good for me in ways that I1 never was. GF is much more open talking about her past relationships and what she wants out of ours while I1 always skirted around the issue. GF and I1 are both very affectionate, which I like, but GF is quick to tell me how attractive/handsome she thinks I am while I1 gave vague complements and never came out and told me how attractive I was to her.

But truth be told, I like I1 better. I1 and I are closer in maturity levels while GF is quite a bit younger than me. I1 and I can talk about a lot of different things concerning movies, music, books, while GF talks mostly about work, her family and her cats.

But GF is there for me, hasn't run away from me when I start getting close, which is what I'm beginning to think is what I1 has done. At first I thought that I1 just didn't like me enough, but she keeps coming back and she keeps thinking about me so that leaves me wondering.

And all this wondering is what is giving me the headache.

Where am I??

2004-10-26T04:07:00.000-07:00

Well, folks. This was an unusual morning for me. The alarm clock went off this morning and my first thought was, "That's not my alarm clock" followed closely by "This isn't my bed."

"Where am I??"

But then the morning fog burned itself out of my mind and I remembered being invited to stay with my girfriend last night. Last night was the first night she offered, even though I've been hinting for a week. So we've taken a new step in our relationship... the sleepover.

Now, in one of my earlier blogs I talked about the evils of snooze alarms. I've discovered that snooze alarms are that much more evil when a pretty girl is snuggled up against you in the morning. Especially when today is her off day and she can go back to sleep, which she promptly did as soon as I got up to take a shower! The only thing that would have made it worse is if I had woken up this morning with a NAKED pretty girl snuggled up against me. I think I would have had to call in sick or dead... or at least come in late. My boss would have understood. Hell, he probably would have told me to take another hour or two!! I have such a good boss.

Well, this is a short post, but I'll be back soon. Keep in touch and keep a lookout for new posts.

Hello Again.

2004-10-15T04:14:00.000-07:00

Hello all you bloggers, I'm back!

I know I've been neglecting my blog a little, but I've been a little busy. You see, I've been dating a new young woman and since things are so new and fresh, we've been spending a lot of time together. As in, over the weekends I wasn't getting home until about 2:30 in the A.M. and during the week I've been getting home about 12:30. Lack of sleep has played an important part in my life for the last week. Since she had to work until 9:30 P.M. last night, I took the night off and was in bed at 9:00.

Dating is a wonderful thing, but I'm getting to old for this shit.

Honestly though, I'm pretty happy to be dating someone since I haven't had much luck in the dating scene for the last ten months. The problem is, she is being "Good". Now don't get me wrong, I like nice girls, but she is being good to the point where she doesn't want to have sex... she wants to make love.

Is there anything wrong with that? Not really, not just because of that anyway. But I know that as of right now, I don't love her. I really like her, and I'm very attracted to her. We kiss and make out and both end up very hot and bothered at which point we have to stop and cool off (usually at her request). But it goes no further than that.

I only thought I was sexually frustrated before this. This is more like sexually tortured!

And even worse, I'm being the one who stops things to cool off more and more because I know that she isn't going to be satisfied with "I really like you and I'm attracted to you so lets go at it". I never thought I'd be the one to stop a make-out session!

Well, until next time...

Happy Birthday to Me!

2004-10-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to PC.
Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, it's me. I'm back from my business trip. It sucked. Thanks for asking. If you didn't ask I'll tell you anyway.

[If you are new to my blog, go back and read "My Day In Court". It will tell you about what my "business" is so you understand why I've been doing what I've been doing.]

I was summoned to sunny Georgia for court. The District Attorney's office made arraingenments to fly me down on Tuesday so I could be in court first thing Wednsday morning. They picked me up at the hotel at 8:30 in the morning and we went straight to the courthouse. And there I sat... and sat. Finally at around 10:30 that morning, they came and told us that they are still picking a jury, so they would take us all back to the hotel and pick us up at 12:30 after lunch. Being the experienced witness that I am, I had a book with me. So it was no great loss to me, I just took my book back to the hotel and kept on reading.

After lunch we all rode back to the courthouse. And there I sat... and sat... and sat.... You get the picture. It turned out that after they finally picked the jury, they had seven pre-trial motions that needed to be decided. So we sat... and, never mind.

At just after 3:00 p.m. the Assistant District Attorney came to talk to me and the first three words out of his mouth were "I'm really sorry..." I knew I was screwed.

The judge had released everyone early for the day and decided that opening arguments would start at 9:00 on Thursday morning. So I had sat in a hard-ass chair in a suit on and off all day for nothing. And the worst part is, I knew I was going to get screwed when I came in that morning and they hadn't even started picking a jury yet. But I had to sit there.

Since I was eighth in line to testify, I also had to sit all day Thursday. And there wasn't a break to go to the hotel for a while. This was sit in the courthouse and wait.

All day.

Until 3:00 p.m. when I finally got on the stand.

Do you want to know how long I was on the stand for. About ten minutes. The defense attorney didn't ask me a single question.

My flight schedule got me home at 10:45 last night, actually about thirty minutes ahead of schedule.

11 hours on various planes and in various airports
11 hours total wait time on hard-ass courthouse chairs
11 minutes of testimony

Anyone want to trade jobs??

Thought for the day.

2004-10-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

Just a quick thought for the day... I NEED A NAP!!!

I barely dragged myself out of bed this morning after being awakened at 3:30 this morning with a raging case of heartburn and not getting back to sleep until around 4:15-4:30. My 5:30 alarm didn't get my dragging ass out of bed until 6:18. Snooze buttons are either a wonderful thing or tremendous evil, I haven't decided yet.

I'm now in the middle of post-lunch daze. Somehow, stopping for lunch makes it so hard to get going again. You all know what I'm talking about. The work is still waiting on me. It's right where I left it at 12:00. But a full and digesting belly somehow switches my conciense lever from "Dedicated Worker" to "Don't-give-a-S**t-and-you-can't-make-me"

Here's to a long day!

My day in court!

2004-10-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't talked about it so far on my blog, but I'm a gun guy... and I don't mean a typical everyday gun enthusiast. I'm a professional gun guy. I have the certificate and everything!

All kidding aside, I am a Court Qualified Expert in the field of Firearms and Toolmark Identification. In other words, I am a forensic scientist for the State Crime Laboratory and it is my job to examine firearms and firearm related evidence to provide useful information to investigating agencies and the court system.

Now, today I had to go to court. Without going into too many details, the accused shot a neighbors truck with his deer rifle, a 30-30 Winchester. Now for you C.S.I. watchers, you're probably thinking I did this complicated examination to identify the fired bullet and cartridge case to the rifle used. You'd be thinking wrong.

To be honest, there wasn't enough left of the bullet to look at and there weren't any marks on the fired cartridge case that I could use to identify it as being fired in the rifle. So i really couldn't say anything with any certainty. Or that's what I thought.

I got called in to court because the Prosecutor wanted to establish that this rifle was capable of easily hitting any of the five trailers in the trailer court. Now, the 30-30 Winchester is capable of firing a bullet at over 2200 feet per second, which means the fired bullet can travel over 700 yards (the length of seven football fields) in one second. The furthest trailer in the park was just over 400 feet away (just over the length of one football field). So anyone can easily see that a fired bullet from this rifle could have easily reached even the furthest trailer.

Now why did I get called into court over something so obvious? Because that is the way the court system works now.

A judge recently rulled in a nearby town that the Prosecutor couldn't add assault with a deady weapon to the charges against a defendant because they didn't proove that the bullet that was surgically removed from the victim had been fired from a gun.

I guess it could have always been fired from a potato.

So who am I?

2004-09-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

I quess if I'm relying on you guys to tell me, I'm really in trouble!

But seriously, this blog is about me... who I am and what I think. So its only fair to tell you a little about who I am, or who I think I am.

I am an educated and intelligent (they're not always the same thing!) man who tends to be a watcher more than a participant. I'm not necessarily a loaner because I really enjoy the company of other inteligent people, but there are times that I prefer to be alone.

Even when I'm hanging out with other people, I'm a little on the quiet side until I get to know them. That may be a matter of minutes, hours, or even weeks... but I honestly feel like I'm a person well worth knowing. Those who suffer through long enough to get to know me and let me open up can sometimes be surprised by the person they discover.

I don't necessarily feel like I'm an exciting person... I usually feel like I'm pretty boring actually, but I realize that I'm usually thinking like that when my confidence levels are down. Those who know me (Hi Inanna!) see this in me and usually try to get me to pull my head out of my ass!! As a matter of fact, Inanna has been trying to help me keep my head out of my ass a lot the last few months (o'kay, so it's more like years, but who's counting). But that's a post for another day.

I'll leave it at that for now. I hope the next few months are a good experience for you and me both as I learn to be a blogger and hopefully you become a faithfull reader and participant.

Until next time, thanks for being here!

So it's about time

2004-09-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

I know exactly what Inanna is going to say... "It's about damn time!!" She has been on me for weeks about starting my own blog (especially since I registered this one so I could post comments on hers) so here I am.

As my intro says, my main idea for this blog is to give myself a place where I can be completely honest about what is going on in my life. I can say how I really feel about something/someone/somewhere etc. without worrying about whether I'm stepping on any toes or tickling someone's insecurities. Maybe this will help me not be so bluntly honest with other people when I don't need to be...

And maybe it will help me be more honest with myself when I do.

So please close all tray tables and raise all seats to their upright positions... it may be one helluva ride!